In the midst of a storm, through the wind and the rain, You'll still be faithful, Lord !!

I think this blog post will look better than the last one ☺️ I figured out that I was doing it in html format instead of compose.

Two weeks ago tomorrow was six months of Amber being gone. A couple of my friends have asked me how we got through it, they were/are afraid of it happening to them , etc. I tell them that I didn't think that we would lose a baby this way either. My mom miscarried two of her babies, both when she was only eight weeks along. I remember being nervous every time I would get pregnant, thinking it would happen to me one time. I remind my friends that God provides you His grace exactly when  you need it. It's never early or late. Always on time 😀 I'm glad that is how our God works ! Well when we went in for our ultrasound at 23 weeks, I hadn't felt Amber move ( and at this point we didn't know the gender ) for about a week, but just thought this was a quiet baby. 

We usually go to Everett Radia but, since they had closed down, had to go to Edmonds Swedish. James usually comes with me to the ultrasound and I'm so glad he was able to make it again ,!We had our appointment at 9:30 am and the rest of our kids were dropped off at my parents.

 We arrived early and filled out the normal forms. A lady came out and took us back to the room. She lathered my stomach with warm gel and put the Doppler on to monitor the baby. As soon as she put it on, there was no movement. I knew there was something wrong because all of our babies were usually pretty active. She kept moving the Doppler around, trying to get her to move. Nothing. She was very quiet as she did all of this. She then took the Doppler off, and wiped my stomach she said "Why don't you go to the bathroom and come back". As I got  up and walked to the bathroom I thought to myself " they never ask me to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of an ultrasound"....

 I came back and the technician was not in the room. I asked James " What's going on "? He replied " I don't know, let's just wait". The technician came back in the room and did some more measurement of the baby. Then there was a knock at the door. I'll never forget that knock that changed my life. 

The receptionist had the phone with her the technician handed the phone to me and told me " It's your midwife". I take the phone and say " Hello, Charlotte ".? And she with a heavy sigh says " Christina, they can't find the baby's heartbeat." I hold the phone, look at james and reach for his hand, and with tear filled eyes, ask Charlotte " Why didn't I lose the baby earlier ? Why now ? What happens now "? She said she didn't know why I lost her, was going to recommend me to a doctor in town who delivers these kind of babies, and we would be induced to have the baby in the hospital. 

I remember her praying for us over the phone and as we hung up, had some more time together crying.

 The technician came back into the room and said she had to still do some measurements and we could find out the baby's gender if we wanted to. We said we did and she found out it was indeed, 

a little girl just like we had thought. We got a picture printed of her and headed back to pick the kids up. That day was such a blur to me. Like walking in a fog. 

I wanted to record some of my thoughts, that in the days to come during that time, we had what a friend called " the grace epidural " and I don't think I can explain it any better than that ! We didn't feel Gods grace that particular day but we sure felt Him near.  

Living for Jesus, no matter the cost

Well it has been almost four years since I wrote last! Since then, we have added two more kids so I'm no longer just Trevor's Mama, I'm also Olivia and Gideon's 😃 I decided to start up my blog once again because I feel like writing my thoughts here instead of Facebook, would help it so people can come here instead me clogging up their newsfeed with my super long posts !! One of the things I have been meditating on, since hearing a song by Selah " Be my heart, my hands 😙, my voice ". Here's the first part of the song " How are we living for Christ ? How are we living for Christ "? Following Him, we will sacrifice, but are we willing to die " ? That part got me. Dying for Christ. I always thought when I heard that part, it me at a literal dying, standing up for Christ when we are faced with death. But, a light bulb went on when I thought " he actually might mean that we can sacrifice reading out Bible daily, taking someone a meal, going to church when we have a had a long weekend, praying for someone in need. And the dying part is giv no up something you really, really want. About 7 months ago, I was driving to church and struggling. Driving is hard for me, trusting God that He will get me where I need to go. I remember praying out loud " Lord, please help me or give me s way to trust you more"! Then when we found out about losing our daughter while I was still 24 weeks pregnant, I thought " Lord no ! This was not the way I wanted to trust you more "😥 But, it was. The lord has been so faithful for my struggle these last 6 months. My view of God has changed drastically from a God who gave me the things I wanted to thr things I truly NEEDED. Back to thr dying for Christ. Are we willing to die ?? Not thr literal dying for Christ when we are faced with death. But the giving up things you really, really want to still have. For me, it has been many things that I've had to give up. One of them being, my fantasy world. That is something I've always had and had control over ( or so I always thought ) and about two months ago, I had given everything over to God ( and still have to ! ) and I was clinging to that one sin. The Lord wanted it for sure. And as soon as I gave it up, life became harder for me because I still wanted it bsck ! Life still continues to be a journey for out family and I have learned to take one day at a time. I hope you have enjoyed my so what scattered thoughts and that it truly is an encouragement to you😃 Also, I'm sorry for the terrible misspellings and random smiley faces ! My computer is being weird and will not let me go back and correct them !!