With everything inside of me, I am choosing to believe...... " You Are Faithful !

It seems to hard to believe that is has been a year on the 11th. A whole year. I remember having such a hard time after she was born and james reminded me to take one day at a time. That's what I did and here we are today.

Continuing from when my active labor started....... James called my midwife Charlotte, and she came. Instant relief washed over me, as I watched the one I had trusted to bring all my babies into the world, walk through my door :) she came over and I cried with her.

When I talked with Charlotte on the phone before I went to the hospital, she highly suggested I not do any of the pain medication that they would offer me. I said " Why would I want to feel all the pain and there not be any joy of a baby's cry, coming into the world "? She said " You will still want those natural endorphins to kick in so you can bond with Amber, even though she is already gone.

So back to Charlotte coming..... I asked Rachel to read scripture to me while I labored and James went out to tell the nurses that the doctor should start coming as I was near the end, about 11pm .  And they told james " oh, she's not ready yet, she has a long time to go. " James went back to them several times and persisted to tell them " we've been through this 3 times before". They finally called her at 1:40 am.

I didn't think my pain would be as bad, considering how small Amber was, but it felt just like all my other kids. My labor was getting more intense, and James had stepped out of the room to go to the bathroom and I told Rachel, " Please go get James, I feel like pushing "! James hurriedly came back and held my hand, with Rachel on the other side of me.  Charlotte came over and waited at the end of the bed. I started pushing and felt my arms go numb and get all tingly. I told Charlotte " I'm going to
pass out "! She told me to cup my hands over my mouth and breath. That really helped and took the tingling away.  Sweet Amber came out. She was still in her water sack, all 12.2 ounces of her. The nurse came right she was born. I was so thankful to the Lord that the doctor didn't show up in time and I got have Charlotte deliver Amber.

The nurse popped the water and I asked for her to go on top of me. She was so tiny and frail. It was so hard to believe she was gone. There was a part of me hoping she would come back to life, being on me. I asked everyone except james to leave the room. James and I cried together and I asked him to pray. He thanked God for the safe delivery and then couldn't go on because he was crying so hard. I finished up and said amen. My placenta then came out and James went and got the nurse. I held Amber for a little while longer and we wrapped her up in the pink blanket we brought for her and James held her for a while.
I think that's all my brain can handle for tonight. More next time !

" I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused but YOU are faithful"

Sunday was a hard day for me. I woke up knowing the first of June was coming the next day..... And the birthday draws near for our precious Amber. And then we sang my favorite song "Faithful"  in church, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I'm just in awe of God knowing exactly what we need, when we need it.

Monday came with the first of June, and I didn't want to get out of bed. I had no motivation to do anything yesterday and just felt tired and depressed the whole day. I have never felt a depression like this and I prayed a lot and cried out to God yesterday. When my husband got home, he asked what was wrong with me and why I didn't want to go to my women's bible study. I started bawling and said I felt like a failure as a wife and a mother. He held me as I said I was scared for the birthday to come up.... Most people have said I will probably be done with the depression by a years time. What if I'm not, I asked James ? He reminded me of Gods promises once again. One of them I just read this morning " For the LORD your God is He who goes with you, to fight against your enemies, to save you. " Duet 20.4. There is much richness in the Old Testament !

So even if the depression does continue after a years time, is God still faithful ?
YES HE IS !!!! Even in my darkest time, He has still proven to be my faithful God and will continue this good work in me !

Today was a much better day, with much housework caught up on and grocery shopping done.
I'm very thankful when the dark days seem so long,  and knowing that God is with me and He makes every day new, is a comfort.
" Weeping may tarry for a night but joy comes with  the morning".... Psalm 30.5b


I have to remind myself that this verse means that I see daylight often, but still have my dark nights.

I'm so glad that I am chosen by God, and that I have the most wonderful guy to walk through life with, James Barnts !