A faith tested and tried

I've been pondering lately, about faith in my Lord. There have been things that He has allowed into my family's life, that make me question God, " Why me, why now and why this "? And I get a simple answer "so that the tested genuineness of your faith-- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested with fire-- may be found to result in praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1st Peter 1:7
What is faith that is not tried ? It's easy to believe in God and have faith when everything's going fine. But when your work truck breaks down, and to take the family vehicle to work, only to that break down too, a tree falls down in your back yard, a baby is born, and your son have his first seizure and to watch him be carried away in an ambulance, you start to cling to the only hope you have, and for me, that is Jesus. I don't know where I would have turned to if I hadn't have been saved and  kept my eyes on Him !
And then our only vehicle broke down again last night. Thankfully, we weren't far from home and were able to get back in one piece. James and my brother Aaron saw that we needed new brakes, new hub assembly, calipers and rods. They are currently working on it right now 😁
So our faith has been tested and tried these last few months. And I pray we will and are coming forth as gold for the sake of Jesus name ! I want our life to be a testimony, when they see that life has indeed, thrown some pretty big curve balls, and even while it is still hard for us, they see the joy we possess in Christ alone 😃

With everything inside of me, I am choosing to believe...... " You Are Faithful !

It seems to hard to believe that is has been a year on the 11th. A whole year. I remember having such a hard time after she was born and james reminded me to take one day at a time. That's what I did and here we are today.

Continuing from when my active labor started....... James called my midwife Charlotte, and she came. Instant relief washed over me, as I watched the one I had trusted to bring all my babies into the world, walk through my door :) she came over and I cried with her.

When I talked with Charlotte on the phone before I went to the hospital, she highly suggested I not do any of the pain medication that they would offer me. I said " Why would I want to feel all the pain and there not be any joy of a baby's cry, coming into the world "? She said " You will still want those natural endorphins to kick in so you can bond with Amber, even though she is already gone.

So back to Charlotte coming..... I asked Rachel to read scripture to me while I labored and James went out to tell the nurses that the doctor should start coming as I was near the end, about 11pm .  And they told james " oh, she's not ready yet, she has a long time to go. " James went back to them several times and persisted to tell them " we've been through this 3 times before". They finally called her at 1:40 am.

I didn't think my pain would be as bad, considering how small Amber was, but it felt just like all my other kids. My labor was getting more intense, and James had stepped out of the room to go to the bathroom and I told Rachel, " Please go get James, I feel like pushing "! James hurriedly came back and held my hand, with Rachel on the other side of me.  Charlotte came over and waited at the end of the bed. I started pushing and felt my arms go numb and get all tingly. I told Charlotte " I'm going to
pass out "! She told me to cup my hands over my mouth and breath. That really helped and took the tingling away.  Sweet Amber came out. She was still in her water sack, all 12.2 ounces of her. The nurse came right she was born. I was so thankful to the Lord that the doctor didn't show up in time and I got have Charlotte deliver Amber.

The nurse popped the water and I asked for her to go on top of me. She was so tiny and frail. It was so hard to believe she was gone. There was a part of me hoping she would come back to life, being on me. I asked everyone except james to leave the room. James and I cried together and I asked him to pray. He thanked God for the safe delivery and then couldn't go on because he was crying so hard. I finished up and said amen. My placenta then came out and James went and got the nurse. I held Amber for a little while longer and we wrapped her up in the pink blanket we brought for her and James held her for a while.
I think that's all my brain can handle for tonight. More next time !

" I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused but YOU are faithful"

Sunday was a hard day for me. I woke up knowing the first of June was coming the next day..... And the birthday draws near for our precious Amber. And then we sang my favorite song "Faithful"  in church, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I'm just in awe of God knowing exactly what we need, when we need it.

Monday came with the first of June, and I didn't want to get out of bed. I had no motivation to do anything yesterday and just felt tired and depressed the whole day. I have never felt a depression like this and I prayed a lot and cried out to God yesterday. When my husband got home, he asked what was wrong with me and why I didn't want to go to my women's bible study. I started bawling and said I felt like a failure as a wife and a mother. He held me as I said I was scared for the birthday to come up.... Most people have said I will probably be done with the depression by a years time. What if I'm not, I asked James ? He reminded me of Gods promises once again. One of them I just read this morning " For the LORD your God is He who goes with you, to fight against your enemies, to save you. " Duet 20.4. There is much richness in the Old Testament !

So even if the depression does continue after a years time, is God still faithful ?
YES HE IS !!!! Even in my darkest time, He has still proven to be my faithful God and will continue this good work in me !

Today was a much better day, with much housework caught up on and grocery shopping done.
I'm very thankful when the dark days seem so long,  and knowing that God is with me and He makes every day new, is a comfort.
" Weeping may tarry for a night but joy comes with  the morning".... Psalm 30.5b


I have to remind myself that this verse means that I see daylight often, but still have my dark nights.

I'm so glad that I am chosen by God, and that I have the most wonderful guy to walk through life with, James Barnts !

" I am choosing to believe..... You are Faithful ".

I have been wanting to write for some time now, and I haven't been ready until now to recount the time at the hospital when I had Amber, even though I think of it quite a bit.

I went to bed the night before we went in with an encouraged heart, as my brother had just been here and we had such a good visit and reconciliation 😊

James' sister Lizzy came that night to be here the next morning to watch our kids because we had to leave early. I couldn't sleep so I got up and woke Lizzy about 2:30 am and we talked and ate cookies and milk. James got up at 5:30 and made us all breakfast. We were supposed to leave at 6:30 but my doctor called and said she was still waiting for my ultrasound results from the Friday before. And the reason was because she wanted to be sure I was more than 19 weeks along because if I wasn't, they would have to send me somewhere else, as well as consulting another specialist. She called me at 9 and said she received them and that we could come in and go forward with it.

James and I prayed on the way, that God would be with us and He would protect me. We got there and signed in. The lady said " Oh ! You're the inpatient ! Would you like a wheelchair ?" ( thinking I was going to have a live baby ) I felt numb as I politely said no thank you.

We went up to my room on the third floor and a sweet nurse greeted us and showed me where I could put my gown on and left us for a few minutes.
I have never broken any bones, had surgeries or stayed in a hospital before. On the other hand, my husband has broken multiple bones and has had a couple hospital stays so he knew all about it 😉 I looked at the holey gown and at james and said " Really "? ☺️ he replied " It's all part of the stay.      


"😁 I went and put my gown on and got into the bed. Gale Light ( one of elders wife ) on our request
came and brought her knitting and stayed with us until about 11:30 that night !! We are SO thankful for you, Gale ! And then my nurse came back to do my IV and even though I'm super veiny, she couldn't find one because I was so nervous 😏 she went and got some hot packs and put them on my arm. My parents showed up, with my sisters and my grandma.

I had also asked my sister in law to come for Ambers birth and she came my 3 month old niece, who never once made a peep ! My nurse came back and asked me if I wanted a shot to numb the IV going in and I couldn't make up my mind and tried to get James attention, who was listening to my grandma and out of the corner of my eye, I see Gale nod her head yes, that I would want it ☺️
She gave it to me and got my IV in with no problems. About this time it was getting to be lunch time and the nurse asked what I would like to eat. I told James that I wasn't hungry but he strongly encouraged that I eat something. I ate a sandwich and some chips. My doctor then came and told me what the procedure was, giving me medication to put my body into labor so I could have Amber. They would give me the dose every four hours or so until I went into active labor. She then left which after, having a midwife for all my babies and she staying with me the whole time, made me a little upset. About 1pm, I got my first dose. Then my all my brothers showed up and one of them brought me flowers 😀 we visited for a while and they left. Our pastors wife showed up then with a yummy coffee and an orange plant . I got another dose about 4:30, this time from a different nurse and I made sure whoever we talked to, we shared The Lord with. and this nurse named Judy, was a born again Christian ! It was very refreshing talking to her. After she left the food lady came into to see what I wanted for my meals up to the next night.
James still hadn't eaten since that morning so Gale asked what he would want to eat and she would go and get it for him. I told her that he would love tereyaki and some snacks and told her I had money in my purse and she insisted to pay for it ! She came back and by that time, my dinner had arrived and we ate. Our pastor showed up with Gales husband, and asked how I was doing. I went on for about 20 minutes about how sad I was and that my spirit was broken, but how good God had been to us, and all the good things He had done so far and that He was not finished with us yet. After I got done talking, Sean said he didn't know what to say ! He gave us encouraging words and prayed for us which was so good. He left and I got another dose of the medicine which really started the active labor. We were so thankful for all the people that stayed almost the whole day and it seemed like a huge party in my room, taking our minds off of the hard part ahead. James asked everyone to leave, except Gale and my sister in law, Rachel.

I better finish up the rest of my time next blog post ! It would be super long otherwise 😜

"When you give and when you take away, even then still Your Name is faithful "

My blog post heading, is a part of one of my now favorite songs by Steven Curtis Chapman !

I have been contemplating whether or not to share with everyone the days after we found out we lost Amber, and when we had her in the hospital.... After we sang the song " Faithful  " by Chapman today in church, and my eyes filled with tears as I recounted the day we had with Amber, I knew God was wanting me to share.

So we found out on a Friday that we no longer had a baby on earth, and that gave us the whole weekend to process it. After the ultrasound, we went and picked up the kids at my parents and they asked how it went, etc. we told them we lost Amber and they prayed for us. I remember getting pizza for dinner that night, and going to bed with a heavy heart.

 Sunday came, and we knew we wanted to be in our church so we got ready to go and we had only told a couple people that we had lost Amber and those people came up to us on Sunday and said " Why are you here "? And both James and my response  was " What better place to be than with Gods people" ?
 The kids weren't being that good in the service, so James stayed in the sanctuary while I took the younger two in the cry room ( it has a window so you could still watch the service, which is nice ) and some friends were in there and I told them about Amber. They said I was handling it so well.  I really hate crying in front of people, so I think that it just appeared I was doing well on the outside, and the inside was all broken up 😔
When it came time for communion, James went up and got communion, and came back to sit down, and I could see him and asked my friend " Is he crying " ? And she said he was trying to hold back the tears. I wanted to go be with him, so I went in and we just held each other and cried.
We came home and saw there was two dozen pink roses on James' windshield of his truck. And a card that said " Jesus has got your little girl " and made reference to the verse in Matthew where it talks about Jesus telling His disciples to let the children come to him. There was no signature though but from the handwriting, I knew it was from my brother Isaac ( we have had differences and he had chose not to talk to me for about a year ) and looked and James and said " I just can't believe it !!

Monday came and I made an appointment with the doctor in town who delivered these kinds of babies. James and I went in that afternoon, and I wrote down about 30 questions about the procedure to ask the doctor, and I remember filling out all this paperwork since I had not been to see her before. I was still in a fog and wondered why they would ask someone in my condition all these questions. I filled them out and we got taken back to a room.
The doctor came and did a physical and let me know that she wanted to get Amber out asap so I wasn't in any danger, and we could start as early as that night. James said that it would be best to wait until the next morning, which was a Tuesday.
She then proceeded to tell me that we likely would never know why Amber died, but that it did not have anything to do with James or I since we had had three healthy kids before and it wasn't anything that I did either. We went home and James asked me if I wanted to bury her and I said I wanted to just leave her at the hospital, then he said he needed to work out in the garage for a little bit. While he was outside, some of our friends, the VanderBekenes brought us a meal which was really nice. I went out to get James and I saw he had made a little bed for sweet Amber go lay in after we had her 😭 what a sweet husband.
I wanted to call Isaac and thank him for the flowers so I got on the phone, called and left a message and told him how much it meant to me that he gave me flowers and started to cry at the end and said I loved him and hung up.  About 15 minutes later, we see a truck pull up and Isaac comes up to the door.
James opens it and Isaac and I didn't even say anything. We just hugged and sobbed as we said that we loved each other, and I kept saying I had never stopped loving him and he kept apologizing and said he just felt sick when he heard that we lost Amber. I told him that if was the only good I see, for God giving Amber death, to bring life back into our relationship, it was worth it for God to call Amber home so soon. He stayed for little bit and he said that we would be at hospital for us in the morning. I remember going to bed with a smile on my face and thanking the Lord for the good he brought about amidst the sorrow 😊
Well I thought I would get to the hospital part, but it looks like I'll save it for next time !

In the midst of a storm, through the wind and the rain, You'll still be faithful, Lord !!

I think this blog post will look better than the last one ☺️ I figured out that I was doing it in html format instead of compose.

Two weeks ago tomorrow was six months of Amber being gone. A couple of my friends have asked me how we got through it, they were/are afraid of it happening to them , etc. I tell them that I didn't think that we would lose a baby this way either. My mom miscarried two of her babies, both when she was only eight weeks along. I remember being nervous every time I would get pregnant, thinking it would happen to me one time. I remind my friends that God provides you His grace exactly when  you need it. It's never early or late. Always on time 😀 I'm glad that is how our God works ! Well when we went in for our ultrasound at 23 weeks, I hadn't felt Amber move ( and at this point we didn't know the gender ) for about a week, but just thought this was a quiet baby. 

We usually go to Everett Radia but, since they had closed down, had to go to Edmonds Swedish. James usually comes with me to the ultrasound and I'm so glad he was able to make it again ,!We had our appointment at 9:30 am and the rest of our kids were dropped off at my parents.

 We arrived early and filled out the normal forms. A lady came out and took us back to the room. She lathered my stomach with warm gel and put the Doppler on to monitor the baby. As soon as she put it on, there was no movement. I knew there was something wrong because all of our babies were usually pretty active. She kept moving the Doppler around, trying to get her to move. Nothing. She was very quiet as she did all of this. She then took the Doppler off, and wiped my stomach she said "Why don't you go to the bathroom and come back". As I got  up and walked to the bathroom I thought to myself " they never ask me to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of an ultrasound"....

 I came back and the technician was not in the room. I asked James " What's going on "? He replied " I don't know, let's just wait". The technician came back in the room and did some more measurement of the baby. Then there was a knock at the door. I'll never forget that knock that changed my life. 

The receptionist had the phone with her the technician handed the phone to me and told me " It's your midwife". I take the phone and say " Hello, Charlotte ".? And she with a heavy sigh says " Christina, they can't find the baby's heartbeat." I hold the phone, look at james and reach for his hand, and with tear filled eyes, ask Charlotte " Why didn't I lose the baby earlier ? Why now ? What happens now "? She said she didn't know why I lost her, was going to recommend me to a doctor in town who delivers these kind of babies, and we would be induced to have the baby in the hospital. 

I remember her praying for us over the phone and as we hung up, had some more time together crying.

 The technician came back into the room and said she had to still do some measurements and we could find out the baby's gender if we wanted to. We said we did and she found out it was indeed, 

a little girl just like we had thought. We got a picture printed of her and headed back to pick the kids up. That day was such a blur to me. Like walking in a fog. 

I wanted to record some of my thoughts, that in the days to come during that time, we had what a friend called " the grace epidural " and I don't think I can explain it any better than that ! We didn't feel Gods grace that particular day but we sure felt Him near.  

Living for Jesus, no matter the cost

Well it has been almost four years since I wrote last! Since then, we have added two more kids so I'm no longer just Trevor's Mama, I'm also Olivia and Gideon's 😃 I decided to start up my blog once again because I feel like writing my thoughts here instead of Facebook, would help it so people can come here instead me clogging up their newsfeed with my super long posts !! One of the things I have been meditating on, since hearing a song by Selah " Be my heart, my hands 😙, my voice ". Here's the first part of the song " How are we living for Christ ? How are we living for Christ "? Following Him, we will sacrifice, but are we willing to die " ? That part got me. Dying for Christ. I always thought when I heard that part, it me at a literal dying, standing up for Christ when we are faced with death. But, a light bulb went on when I thought " he actually might mean that we can sacrifice reading out Bible daily, taking someone a meal, going to church when we have a had a long weekend, praying for someone in need. And the dying part is giv no up something you really, really want. About 7 months ago, I was driving to church and struggling. Driving is hard for me, trusting God that He will get me where I need to go. I remember praying out loud " Lord, please help me or give me s way to trust you more"! Then when we found out about losing our daughter while I was still 24 weeks pregnant, I thought " Lord no ! This was not the way I wanted to trust you more "😥 But, it was. The lord has been so faithful for my struggle these last 6 months. My view of God has changed drastically from a God who gave me the things I wanted to thr things I truly NEEDED. Back to thr dying for Christ. Are we willing to die ?? Not thr literal dying for Christ when we are faced with death. But the giving up things you really, really want to still have. For me, it has been many things that I've had to give up. One of them being, my fantasy world. That is something I've always had and had control over ( or so I always thought ) and about two months ago, I had given everything over to God ( and still have to ! ) and I was clinging to that one sin. The Lord wanted it for sure. And as soon as I gave it up, life became harder for me because I still wanted it bsck ! Life still continues to be a journey for out family and I have learned to take one day at a time. I hope you have enjoyed my so what scattered thoughts and that it truly is an encouragement to you😃 Also, I'm sorry for the terrible misspellings and random smiley faces ! My computer is being weird and will not let me go back and correct them !!